Chapter I · Chapter 1

The Cowboy Philosopher on _The Peace Conference_ The Cowboy Philosopher on _The Peace Conference_ _In the Five times I have appeared before President Wilson I have used dozens of these same jokes, about him, And he has the best sense of humor and is the best audience I ever played too, Which bears out the theory I work on, That you can always joke about a big Man that is really big, But dont ever kid about the little fellow that thinks he is something, cause he will get sore Thats why hes little,_ There is no particular reason why I should horn in on you Public with a Book, But thats just when they seem to write them, When theres no need or reason for them, _The shorter white Paper gets the more careless these Pen Hounds get with it,_ All my friends advise me to go ahead Will and write it cause you wont annoy people with it like these other Writers do with theirs, Nobody will read yours When a Guy has never grazed educationally any further than McGuffeys fourth Reader his ravings aint liable to throw any jealous scare into Literary Circles, _Grammar and I get along like a Russian and a BathTub,_ In fact Americans are getting to dote too much on Grammar and Good Manners, They say the most perfect English in this country is spoken in Sing Sing, And at the Federal Prison in Atlanta, They claim a Knife never touched a Lip, So you see where that junk leads you too, I was going to write a Book on the War, But I heard some fellow had already done it, In fact I figure that the fellow who dont write on the war will be a novelty, There is so many Books on the War that no two people will have to read the same Book.

Then the War was too serious a subject I could not write on it, But the Peace Feast, That seemed to offer a better field for Humor provided you stick to the _facts_, _I have some inside facts procured from the most reliable source_, And as I dont want to see the World grow up in ignorance on this historical subject I would really feel selfish and mean too withold it, Heres how I got it, There is a fellow I know, Who had a friend, And this friends Sister had a sweetheart and he was a Soldier in France and his cousins pal was a Bunkie of Col Houses Chouffer, The Col told his Chouffer So you see my information comes from the same place Pres Wilsons does, _So Here Goes Under The Bottom With_ THE FIRST PEACE BOOK, THE PEACE CONFERENCE Of course this whole Peace Conference talk started from the time Pres Wilson said to Germany "We wont deal with you as long as you occupy invaded Territory."

Well the Kaiser come right back at him and said, "If you can show us how we can give it up any faster than we are I wish you would do it," Now the Armistace was signed, and Germany agreed to quit running at eleven oclock on a certain day, Of course we got the word a couple of days before it was really signed, Making everybody have TWO DRUNKS where one would have done just as well, It would have been signed on this first day But the German Generals whom they sent out to sign up, had never been to the front and dident know just where it was, The Kaiser was on the verge at one time of visiting the western front then he said, "No I will just wait a few days till it comes to me," Our Show was playing in Philadelphia when the first Armistace was signed, (_The one the saloon men framed up_) I was a bit leary of it all the time as I had been there once before when the Union League Club had paraded for a Mr Hughes, Then later they had to put the Parade back, I HAD ALWAYS BELIEVED PHILA TO BE SLOW AND HERE IT WAS 2 DAYS AHEAD OF THE FACTS At that time everybody wondered what to do with the Kaiser, I thought he should have been brought to this Country and made to clean the streets after that first Armistace day, A funny thing the Armistace was signed about the time the returns of the last election come in.

The Germans and the Democrats learned their fate on the same day, When the war was over the Kaiser called his 6 sons to him and said, "Now boys we better duck Cause this war is over and you boys can get hurt _Now_," The thing that hurt the Kaiser worse than losing the war, Was that in all the Armistace terms they dident even mention his name, Everybody commence talking about the Peace Conference and who was to go, Some Republican Senators went so far as to engage a lower birth, _There was so much argument about who was to go, That Pres Wilson says I tell you what, "We will split 50-50 I will go and you fellows can stay,"_ At last we were going to get even with them for all their commissions coming over here, You know for a while COMMISSIONS were coming so fast, That we were lucky to find a fellow who knew what Flag to put out each day, We were meeting Servian Commissions with Romanian Flags, Of course there were nations coming at that time who had not enough to support a flag, Thats why the commission were here to place a Flag Contract, Now to get to my Peace trip, About three months are supposed to have elapsed between the last Paragraph and this one, All of which time was taken up by Congress talking, (_see congressional Record_) Finally Pres Wilson got tired listening to them and walked out on them, If it had not been to get away from Congress, I have my doubts if he would have gone to Europe, _Now for the Number 2 Peace trip,_ This Peace trip is not an original Idea, (It was originated by some obscure MANAFACTURER OF KNICK NACKS,) _Name furnished at advertising rates_, Its always the same, the fellow who originates anything or starts something new is generally called a nut, The next fellow comes along takes his Idea improves on it and of course is a smart man, Of Course this No 2 Company used better Judgement than the first one.

This one waited till the war was over to Go, This is the only case in Theatrical History where the No 2 Company was better than the original, Of corse I claim this Manafacturer in some middle west town (I cant seem to recall that fellows name) made one mistake, There were people on his Boat that should never have had a return trip ticket, Through Holland receiving them is where the Kaiser got his idea of going there, Of course there was a lot of dissatisfaction against the Pres going, Mostly by people whom he did not take along, I was in favor of his going because I thought it would give us a chance to find out who was Vice President, But it Dident, I also felt confident that he was the only man that could explain the 14 points We were especially lucky in having him represent us in England as he is the only one we could have sent that spoke good enough english that they could understand, He would have taken a Senator but couldent find one that had a dress Suit A congressman of course was out of the question He couldent have eaten off a 15 million dollar plate He would have starved to death looking at it, For awhile it looked like Mr Hughes would get to go, While the others were signing up he could have been investigating, his report would have been ready the day before the next election, Also asked a manafacturer from some lake town (I cant think of that Birds name) But he said "No thank you one trip cured me" The Sectry of Agriculture was named to go for a while, It was thought that if we were fortunate enough to be assigned any loose Islands at the meeting He could immediately advise what to plant thereby getting in a crop next year, _MR ROOT_ was named then some one happened to think of RUSSIA and that was off, _Wanted_ BRYAN _to go but nobody knew where he was,_ I wanted to go along as _JESTER_ Pres Wilson will miss his comedy when he gets away from Congress, I wanted to represent the United Press (the one that sent in that prematur peace report) I could have had them there before they started, See they took one Republican with them, But I have never read any thing in the papers about him landing, Just about chucked that guy overboard, =Took a republican along to argue with on the way over,= =They will about make him Wait on the Peace Table,= See where Admiral Dr Grayson stood his Maiden voyage well, Mr Creel went along to suppress any SCANDAL that may crop up On arriving they found they had forgotten something after searching they found it was the _Industrial Committee_, Now Mr Barney Baruch is going in case we land a few Shekels, why Barney will count up for us, _Also Mr Garfield "said he wasent going to stay in this Country and FREEZE another winter,"_ If they keep on sending for them, Talk about getting the boys back, it will take a couple of years to get all these Peace Guys back, We may not have had as many Nations in the war as these other Nations but we are going to Swamp them at the Peace Table, Col House was there to meet the Boat in a _listening Capacity_, Lot of men have _fought_ their way into fame and _talked_ their way into fame but Col House is the only man that ever just LISTENED HIMSELF IN, After looking over Paris the troop went to London, Can you imagine how sore these Republicans got when they read about a Democrat sleeping in Buckingham Palace, Kaiser and Czar used to kid King George and tell him he dident have any power He can get back at them now and say "No I havent got much power but I am still _Kinging_ aint I," Pres left London passed through Paris got an earfull from Col House and played a week of one Night stands through Italy, He had a letter of recomendation from Caruso so he met some of the best people in Italy, Every time the Pres wanted applause in his speeches in Italy he would mention GARIBALDI which sounds same in English as Italian, Belgium wanted to book him there but the Pres got wise that they were holding so many Banquets they were trying to wear him out before the Peace Feast started, King of Italy also the King of England have agreed with him up to now But unfortunately they neither one will be at the Peace signing, England is orally in accord but there has been nothing signed, They are a little late starting as they were waiting to find someone who knew what freedom of the Seas mean, NOW IF HE CAN ONLY HANDLE THAT MEETING AS HE DOES CONGRESS WE NEED HAVE NO FEAR OF THE RESULT, You know a lot of people think he is liable to be too easy with them dont you believe it he can be pretty stern when he wants to remember last fall when he sent Germany their Questionaire, Said GIVE ME YOUR REAL NAME AND PERMANENT ADDRESS, Lets hope the Turkish Deligation dont bring all their WIVES or we never will get _PEACE_, And lets make those Russians shave before they sign up we want to know who we are dealing with, If Ireland sends a deligation I can hear France say bring us back war, Now the Pres says we are going to recognize the CZECHO SLOVAKS we may recognize them but we will never pronounce them, That Nation has caused Readers more trouble than any other one in war, They cant make the Peace terms much worse than those Armistace terms for they read like a 2nd mortgage, Party of the second part has no more chance than a Democrat in the next Congress, We are handicapped at this meeting, England and France both have their Prime Ministers there while _BILLY SUNDAY_ dident go for us, Each Nation is supposed to share in the Peace terms according to what they have done in the war, Holland gets the KAISER, Mexico the CROWN PRINCE, Now the Pres has to get back here before Mar 1st when the Country goes in into the hands of the Republicans or they are liable to want to charge him a tarriff to get in again, OF COURSE WE DONT RECEIVE MUCH NEWS OF THE PEACE CONFERENCE.